“I want you to help me stop my son gambling,” an anxious father said to his boy’s
principal. “I don’t know where he gets it from but it’s bet, bet, bet.”
“Leave it to me,” said the principal. A week later he phoned the boy’s father. “I think I’ve
cured him,” he said.
“How?”
“Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said, ‘I bet that’s a false beard.’
‘How much?’ I said, and he said “$5 ”
“What happened?” asked the father.
“Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite natural, and I made him give me $5. I’m sure
that’ll teach him a lesson.”
“No, it won’t,” said the father. “He bet me $10 this morning that he’d pull your beard with
your permission by the end of the week!”

A man is walking along a deserted beach when suddenly he hears a deep voice from Above. “DIG !” it says. He looks around, but there’s nobody there. I must be imagining this, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: “I SAID, DIG !”

So he starts digging with his bare hands, pushing away the sand. A short way down he uncovers a small chest with a rusty lock. “OPEN IT” commands the deep voice.

OK, the man thinks, Ill open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally opened, he sees a gleaming pile of gold coins.
“TAKE THEM TO THE CASINO” the deep voice says.

Well, says the man to himself, the casino is just ten minutes walk away, why not?

He changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. Now he hears the deep voice saying: “27, PUT IT ALL ON 27″.

He takes his heavy pile of tokens and drops it at the 27. The table groans under the weight. You can hear a pin drop as the croupier throws the ball. The ball stays at the 26.

The deep voice says: “SHIT !”

During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks”. The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first”. The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender. “I’m a professional gambler”, replied the man. The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?” “Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy. “Like what?” asked the bartender?

“Well, for example, I’ll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye.” The bartender thought about it. “OK”. So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. “Aw, you screwed me”, said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. “I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye,” said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet”. So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. “Aw, you screwed me again”. “That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50″, said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop”.

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “OK, you’re on”. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me $500!” The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!”

A guy named Don finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.”

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.

Don again prays…

“God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”

Lotto night comes and Don still has no luck.

Don Prays Once again…

“My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Don is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

“Don, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.”

Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell. Petrus says : You see Bill, we don’t know what to do with you. You may choose “heaven” or “hell”.
Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring men sitting around at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling.
So Bill says : I am a gambling man, I want to go to hell! Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire. So Bill says : hey, what the hell is this, I saw all the gambling, the women, and sex?
The devil says: ‘That was just a demo version.”